At 33 weeks, I didn’t think I would already be feeling lonely. I figured that would come around the fourth trimester. Yes, the dreaded fourth trimester where I need to try my best to keep my mental health based on how many accounts I hear about PPD. I don’t want that to be, but I commend all the women that go through it. I hope that all women pull through and don’t ever have to feel that way.
I think my loneliness is a little different. I definitely don’t feel depressed. I just feel like no one is on the same page. Then again, no one is really asking me how I REALLY feel. They only want to know how I feel on a physical level. They just assume that I’m excited and my life is going great outside of my body being disassembled and put back together. Please don’t mistaken me though, I am extremely happy. This is something I have been dreaming about forever, literally. Let me just rant and react for a second, and this is my truth, it doesn’t have to be anyone else’s but it is mine. One of the biggest things I can’t stand since I have been pregnant, is when people say, “It’s not about you anymore, it’s about the baby.” “Oh you no longer matter, they are the only thing that matters.” Or things along the lines of those sayings. Let me just tell you something, I DO MATTER. I’m the one carrying this child. I’m the one that’s sacrificing my life, and my body. I am the MOTHER. The person who will grow this child, teach this child, guide this child, be a role model for this child, be a comfort/safe zone for this child. If I now “don’t matter”, then who does? Because I’m the one that has grown this child, and will continue to grow and guide this child. When you tell someone that, just remember that we are still human to. Whether we are pregnant or not.
So I guess what I really mean as lonely, is sometimes no one really does understand what you are going through because everyone’s pregnancies are different. Even friends who aren’t pregnant, are never going to understand till they get to that moment. I will say that the last 8 in a half/9 months have been an AMAZING growing period for me. I mean a huge growth spurt.
Maybe that is what God wanted for me though. He tends to do that in difficult times. My husband has been my rock through all this. He always is. I can always depend on him. He’s my best friend, and he’s 99% of the time on the same page as me. Which is great! He’s going to be the best dad. So I definitely don’t feel lonely in that relationship. But outside of him, I do feel lonely.
Is it really true that you realize who your true friends are during pregnancy? I think so. I have had my friends support me through the whole thing, but I feel like none of us are on the same page. I also feel like they think I can’t have fun anymore just because I am pregnant. But here lately, I haven’t had any of them ask how I’m doing. I start to get really paranoid. I’m a grown adult though. I don’t have time to sit around and wait for people to decide if they want to be in my life or not. That’s been one of the lessons I have learned along this journey. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to go to lunch or breakfast by yourself. It is okay to focus on your needs only. It’s okay to tell people how you feel. That was another big one during this pregnancy. Having to tell people how I really feel, has been GREAT. I’m so glad I found that confidence. Because truly it isn’t about just me anymore. Yes I matter still, but I have another little human to take into consideration now. Don’t be scared to tell people how you feel cause you are worried they won’t like you anymore. There is nothing you can do about them not understanding you. Move on, and do something good for yourself.
What I really want people to take from this blog is that it IS normal to feel like this. You do matter. It’s about the baby being okay, but you have to be OKAY too. If you aren’t okay, the baby isn’t okay. I think a lot of people forget that. The loneliness isn’t forever. It’s okay to drop toxic people. It isn’t healthy for you. It is about you. You have to be your best version, so that your child can look up to you and be their best version. So don’t worry about the loneliness. You do what’s best for you. It’s one of the hardest things I have had to overcome this entire pregnancy.